it's bittersweet, isn't it?

If you told me a year ago where I would be right now, I wouldn't believe you. In fact, I'm currently in the exact opposite position I thought I'd be in just yesterday. As I write this, I sit in the middle of a Starbucks, with a hot latte in my hand, trying to see the positive in my current situation. For personal reasons, I won't be going into detail, but know that life just isn't what you expect--in almost every circumstance--especially the one I am about to tell you about.

After I graduated high school, my high school drama director asked me to come back and help her co-direct the drama department. I was over the moon. I had dabbled in directing my senior year, and I enjoyed way more than I thought I would. So naturally, I said yes to her offer. That fall semester, I got the chance to work with the kids on a show where they could sing, act, and dance, and it was truly an amazing experience. However, I was on board for the musical, too. That was the part that I was most excited for, anyone who knows me knows that musicals are what I live for. In December of 2019, we held auditions for Chicago: High School Edition, and by the time the kids came back from winter break, we were set to start the production. In my life, I've found that when things seem to be going according to plan, God gves you a nice reminder that He's the one in control--it's bittersweet, really. On one hand, it's nice to remember that I don't need to carry the weight of my worries around like a ball and chain. However, on the other hand, it feels like the door to this opportunity was opened, and then suddenly, slammed shut. In March of 2020, we officially put the production on hold due to COVID-19. That was hard in itself, since we were about a month away from opening night, but would you believe me if I said that wasn't the hardest part?

After the long, dreadful quarantine we had, we officially were back in production during the fall semester of 2020. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. Many of the original cast members we had graduated in the spring of that year, so we had to recast and move a lot of people around into different parts. It felt as though we were starting from scratch. Essentially, we were. The students worked incredibly hard and diligently, and our opening night was June 9, 2021. I was beyond relieved, excited, nervous--I felt a variety of heavy emotions. Needless to say, I teared up watching those kids perform during each night they were on the stage. However, I'm actually here to talk about how things change in a heartbeat.

I can't sit here and say this isn't difficult to write, because it is--that's simply the truth in this situation. What I can say, is that it is incredibly easy to become comfortable and reliant on a certain circumstance, and to admit that you've almost made it your idol is a hard pill to swallow. For personal reasons, I won't be going into complete detail, but let's just say that I became comfortable in my situation, and not in a good way. We use the word "comfortable" like it is always a great thing--and it can be, just not spiritually. To be completely honest, raw, and vulnerable, I was comfortable in my faith and relationship with God for a long time, longer than I'd care to admit. Because of that, I desired that comfort and chased it in every other area of my life too, including directing at the high school. Yes, I was taking risks in terms of where the production would go, what songs to choreograph first, but emotionally and mentally, I was stuck and I didn't realize it.

Sometimes, as hard as it may be to admit or come to terms with, we need things to be taken away from us in order to understand God's full potential for our lives. For personal reasons, I will not be assistant directing this coming Fall. After that moment, I realized just how stuck I was. It breaks my heart to write this, or even say it out loud. That being said, I'm currently more passionate about my faith and my relationship with God than I can ever remember. In tru vulnerability, I had made that opportunity my idol and I had let it be one of the top priorities in my life. I warped my life around that opportunity and not around how I wanted to serve God. God will always and should always be number one in my life, and when He's not--there's an issue.

As I finish this blog post almost a month after I started writing it, I've grown in more ways than one. As heartbreaking as it is to walk away from an opportunity so sweet, I feel as though I've done the right thing. When I started writing this, I was in tears in the middle of a Starbucks (probably with people assuming I'm crazy for crying in a coffee shop). I can confidently say that currently, I only see the positive in this situation and I've outgrown the heartache I felt from it. Long story short--pain doesn't last. If anything, it helps us grow.

Much love,

Carolyn <3